Forgiveness

It was a bit slow at work this past week, and while going through CNN.com to read through articles, news, see what was going on in the world, etc. I came across an interesting article. One paragraph stuck out at me, in particular:

"Forgiveness isn't about saying, 'It's OK,' or that you 'accept' or 'approve' what happened," Blanton said. "Forgiveness is the acknowledgment that what happened, happened, and that you are now ready to set down the baggage, the pain and the fear."

Wow. Just wow. Think about all the things we hold onto in life, and the "unnecessary baggage", that we could release and put behind us? Just because you can forgive someone doesn't mean what they did was ok, but think about the burden that will be lifted of your shoulders.

The reason this hit me hard this week, coming about a month after D walked out - I do forgive him. In the end it's really his loss anyways. Yes we both made mistakes. Yes we both said things we didn't mean sometimes. Our 3 years together were nowhere near perfect. Am I still bitter that I'm not getting married? That I don't have the kids we said we wanted, the family and life we wanted? Maybe a little. But what good is being bitter about it going to accomplish? Absolutely nothing. I can look back on my 10 years of long and failed relationships (all 4 of them) and honestly say am I bitter they happened? No. I learned something from each one.

Some things I learned the hard way. For example, domestic violence is never ok, and I'm lucky to be alive right now. Another thing - schedules won't always match, but you make the best with what you have and you both compromise to spend time together. And lastly, no matter how bad you want it to work, you can never change someone, and that may be the downfall of the relationship, and you need to accept that.

So why don't we open up that baggage, unpack some it, and let it go? (and talk about coincidence - Keane- Put it Behind You just came on my iPod)

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."  ~Thích Nhất Hạnh

One month Into my Journey

Today, it's been one month since D left... it's amazing how things can change in an instant. It's also amazing how things can get better in almost that same instant.

I saw a dear mentor of mine the other night, one who knew me better, but also did know D. She said she can't believe how much I've blossomed in the past month. She now calls me an "old soul". Well, I am too mature for my age, and people when they meet me always tell me "Oh, I thought you were older!" Well, 28 is starting to get up there in a sense. I'm a member of My Fitness Pal, which for those of you who don't know me, I've lost a total of 47 pounds over the past 4 or so years, on and off. I posted something the other day, made the same day my mentor had commented on how much I've grown:

"So it's been almost exactly a month since "D" walked out. I still won't use his real name. I may have lost the person who was the love of my life and my bestest friend, but I gained SO much more. Self Worth. Confidence. Clearance from my doctors to work again. Kept the weight off. New Hobbies... We're all here to be healthy and lose weight, but we all have more things in life to be thankful for."

This was even brought on by another post that morning, by a friend of mine on MFP. Her husband had been rushed to the hospital the previous weekend, while she was on a retreat. He was suffering from a low heart rate and a dangerously low blood pressure. Yet through all of his suffering and his stay at the hospital, he would continue to ask her "Did you weigh in today?" She was so floored, that while yes her weight loss is important to her, how trivial it is with his recent health issues!

"Don't believe in miracles - depend on them." - Laurence J. Peter

When Life Hands You Lemons...

There are so many remaining answers to that phrase...

"Make Lemonade"
"Make Margaritas"
"Ask for the Tequila and Salt"
"Wait, Where's the Vodka?"
"Keep Them: FREE LEMONS!"

My favorite answer is this one:

"If life gives you lemons, throw them at life and see if life will make the same mistake again."

I am all for the "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" aspect of life. Of course I didn't follow that rule for the last relationship (Against my better judgement, I granted one more chance). I thought maybe I knew better. I thought maybe people can change, really. I tried hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, thinking it really could be all white picket fences, owning my own business from home, and trying to support the love of my life who I truly believed was the one, who promised to marry me and had plans to within the next year... But life threw me lemons instead.

I decided in those next 30 minutes, after the initial shock that it really was over - to never, EVER, let anyone walk all over me again. It turned to more of a "I'll get them before they get me" mentality. I don't care if I'm selfish, I'm 27 (nearing 28 too fast) with NOTHING that I ever wanted in my life in my 20's.

If you had asked me 10 years ago, on my 18th birthday, what my wishes of where I would be in 10 years, this is what you would have heard:

"I'll be 28, married to my best friend, with 2 kids, a house, and an English Bulldog or a Great Dane."

When in reality: Today, I'm 27 years, 10 months - single with no real prospects, no kids, and a fat tabby cat (Yes, the crazy cat lady mentality is already starting, and I'm not even 30).

I think it's time to realize my happily ever after isn't going to happen the way I planned. Obviously, nothing has gone the way I planned, otherwise I would be married, I would at least be working on my first baby, and not still be living at home with my parents (I stayed home to save money, and deal with 2 chronic medical problems that have plagued me since I was 25).

The past 2 weeks have brought nothing but good news for me, in which I hope to return to my new normal:

• I have been cleared off disability and was working 4 hours a day. I just received clearance for 6 hours a day, with returning to full time September 23rd. 
• I just signed my first lease, and am moving into my own apartment (no roommates, unless you count the fat cat) on October 4th. 
• For my birthday in November I am going on a weekend yoga retreat with my mother and it's being taught by my two favorite yoga teachers. 
• I joined our local Stampin' Up! card making group and while I am the youngest, those ladies are a lot of fun!

What I need to still do to create my new normal:

• Yoga daily. Right now I'm practicing 4 times a week. Once I get into my apartment I will have the space and I will find the time 
• More meditation. I need to learn to control my anxiety naturally. 
• Reconnect with my girlfriends, or make some new ones. 
• SLOWLY learn to trust again. 

And most importantly - TRY AND HAVE FUN.

"People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross